The Real Story

Chapo Guzman

Chapo Guzman

By now, you’ve all heard about the mile-long tunnel that drug cartel jefe Chapo Guzman used to escape from Altiplano Federal Prison in Mexico. Well, I’ve done a bit more research and have the actual sad tale for you with all its gory details.

I suppose when one has a weak government and a strong criminal class, one can expect spectacular prison escapes such as that of Señor Guzman—and spectacular it was!

Not only was the tunnel high enough that “Shorty” (that’s what El Chapo means) would walk out without bending over, but it was air-conditioned and had a chauffeured golf cart at the ready to evacuate the prisoner, who was wearing a tuxedo. At quarter mile intervals, there were mariachi bands to welcome Guzman to freedom, as well as ladies offering fresh tortillas de maiz with selected toppings for tacos, such as Beluga caviar and truffles. Aged Gran Patrón Platinum Tequila was available to quench his thirst.

Prison guards who had collaborated in the escape—in effect, all of them—were given new cars with glove compartments filled with crack cocaine.

Contrast that with the New York State prisoners who met a bad end within the last week or two. They just weren’t rich enough to “grease” their way out of stir.