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Can This Be Me?

Budé

Guillaume Budé

In 1503 he married the daughter of an ancient Norman house, and it is said that, on his wedding-day, by an exceptional act of self-denial, he limited his time of study to three hours only. In his studies he was aided in every possible way by the devotion of his wife. Once, when he was busy reading in his library, one of the servants suddenly rushed in to inform him that the house was on fire. The scholar, without lifting up his eyes from his book, simply said to his informant:—allez avertir ma femme; vous savez bien que je ne m’occupe pas des affaires du menage! (Translated as: “Go tell my wife. You know I don’t concern myself with household matters.”) His health was seriously impaired by his prodigious industry, and the surgeons of the day vainly endeavoured to cure him of his constant headaches by applying a red-hot iron to the crown of his head. Happily he was enabled to find a safer remedy by taking long walks and by cultivating his garden.—John Edwin Sandys, A History of Classical Scholarship, Vol. II, Entry on “Guillaume Budé”

Some Icelandic Humor

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The Juck Is on You!

The Juck Is on You!

I have become a fan of Jóhannes Benediktsson of the Iceland Review staff. The following text and illustrations are from an article in the Review’s “Daily Life” section on February 13 earlier this year entitled “An Urgent Message from the Lighthouse Bureau”. We begin with the text accompanying the above illustration:

Yuck!  Yuck!  Yuck!

What is YUCK?
You talk like an ignorant woman.
Try YUCK!
YUCK is world class quality.
YUCK is available everywhere.

International Yuck Co. Ldt.

oldad_advorun

Warning.

There is a large hole in the road next to Pétursborg. Should anyone stick a foot in, he or she could be badly hurt. For that reason, I advise all to proceed with caution, except for the Bureau of Public Roads.

oldad_blauturthvotturIt was wet laundry that Húlli and Ási carried in that tub down Bergstaðastræti on Monday the 14th of September 1924, at 6 o’clock.

oldad_frautlondum

From abroad

there are no particular news. The Germans don’t seem to be up to very much at Verdun, but they probably have some trickery up their sleeves, be it on land or sea. Only some minor skirmishes between the Austrians and the Italians. The Russians claim to be launching an attack on the Germans in the near future. No news of the conflict in Turkey.

Mexican bandits have caused damage in the United States. Some insist that the government send the army to Mexico to disperse their posse. As of yet, it remains unclear what will happen.

oldad_tolud_ord_tekin_aftur

Spoken Words Rescinded

I wish to make it known to all that the words spoken by me in inebriety and carelessness to Ms. Sigríður Þórðarsen of Akureyri on the 16th of this month are hereby declared null and void.

Randver Pétursson.

oldad_vitamalastjori

An announcement from the Lighthouse Bureau Commissioner: – There is no announcement from the Lighthouse Bureau Commissioner today.

Commissioner of the Lighthouse Bureau.

 

The First Known Photograph of Dark Matter!

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You Saw It Here First!

You Saw It Here First!

It is said that some 24% of the known mass of the universe is composed of dark matter. Now, thanks to my trustee Nikon CoolPix S630, you can see what I saw. Shown above is a closeup of some dark matter congregating toward the lower center (and, I might add, in a highly suggestive pose, but we won’t go there for now).

Until now, astrophysicists had to infer the presence of dark matter by its behavior, namely gravity and radiation. Now that I have discovered that dark matter shows up so well in my photographs, I have decided to request a Federal grant to quantify the amount of dark material in the universe by beginning with a census conducted in my back yard and extrapolating from that to the infinite reaches of outer space.

I have great confidence in my ability to get this grant because most of the Federal budget consists of dark matter, from both the Democrat and Republican sides of the aisle.

Habemus Puellam

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Pope Marigold I

Pope Marigold I

At first, the pink smoke pouring from the chimney set up over the Sistine Chapel stunned the thousands of faithful, as well as an equal number of reporters, as to what it meant.

In the end, it was inevitable that the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church would eventually elect a female pope. Tradition was overturned in other ways as well: the new pope is not an ordained Catholic priest. (Nor can she be one according to canon law, to which she replies, “We’ll fix that!”.) And she is a lesbian, complete with tattoos and piercings.

Marigold I, originally Marigold Lilibeth Rathbun of Pepper Pike, Ohio, is also the first pope in several hundred years to still be in her twenties. “Yeah!” she comments; “That means I’ll be around for a while, so you all had better be good.”

Naturally, Pope Marigold’s election was not quite unanimous. Silvestro Silvestrini, Cardinal Archbishop of Ercolano, thinks there were some voting irregularities. “Something is fishy around here.” At least, he admits that she is certifiably free of any accusations regarding the molestation of underage altar boys. His colleague, Grandissimo Pipi, Cardinal Archbishop of Gomorrah, chimed in with his broken English: “I resemble that!”

Of one thing we can be sure, Holy Mother the Church is taking a slightly different course. She reminds us, “And remember, youse guys, I’m the pope; and that means I’m inflammable!”

 

 

Imagine a Puddle

Some More from Douglas Adams

Some More from Douglas Adams

Imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, “This is an interesting world I find myself in — an interesting hole I find myself in — fits me rather neatly, doesn’t it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!” This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it’s still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything’s going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise. I think this may be something we need to be on the watch out for. We all know that at some point in the future the Universe will come to an end and at some other point, considerably in advance from that but still not immediately pressing, the sun will explode. We feel there’s plenty of time to worry about that, but on the other hand that’s a very dangerous thing to say.—Douglas Adams, Speech

Corporate Zombies

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If Corporations Are People, What Kind of People Are They?

If Corporations Are People, What Kind of People Are They?

The most popular posting I have ever made here at WordPress was entitled “Notes on the Zombie Apocalypse.” Why zombies and not werewolves, vampires, re-animated mummies, Frankenstein monsters, or even Creatures from the Black Lagoon? Then I thought of the Supreme Court’s Citizens United ruling about corporations having the same rights as people. Bingo!

It took the zombie conservative phalanx of the Supremes—Roberts, Alito, Scalia, Thomas, and Kennedy—to attempt to pump life into this horror story. If corporations are people, what other things might have the same rights as people? Perhaps Tweets and Ann Coulter blog posts might also be so classified. What if we have to admit a Wayne LaPierre NRA Tweet into the Boy Scouts as a Tenderfoot? Would it have to learn how to swim and memorize the Morse Code? (Or is that a requirement any more?)

Now that corporate zombies have a whole slew of rights, we can look forward to having our brains devoured with increased efficiency.

Look out, people! The undead walk among us.

 

44

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Another Birthday, Already? Jeez!

Another Birthday, Already? Jeez!

Again I survived! Today is my 44th birthday. Before you smirk, I now measure my age strictly in the hexadecimal numbering system, which counts 0, 1, 2, 3 and on to 9, A, B, C, D, E, and F. I think you will agree that it’s a much more flattering number, until the letters of the alphabet start showing up, making people say, “Hold on thar!” Of course, I won’t get to be 4A years old for another six years. By then, I may have to find a still more flattering number system—perhaps vigesimal (to the base twenty).

If you are not a computer wonk and want to find out how old I really am now—in the decimal numbering system— you just follow these simple steps:

  1. Take the number of Muses in Ancient Greek mythology.
  2. Add the number of the current Baktun in the Long Count of the Mayan Calendar.
  3. Multiply the result by the number of Theological Virtues in Catholic dogma.
  4. Add the number of scoops of raisins in every box of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran cereal.

There, that wasn’t so very difficult, was it? Easy as pi!

The Endless Attributes of the BVM

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The Immaculate Conception of the BVM

The Immaculate Conception of the BVM

Today is the feast of the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Along with the Assumption of Mary, it is one of the more recently created holy days of obligation thanks to the inflammability of the Pope, itself a relatively recent attribute..

As one who has been through the Catholic school system (grades 2-12), I have been exposed to the rapidly expanding role of the Mother of God in Catholicism. There is a word for this: Mariolatry (Mary + Idolatry). It didn’t help that the priests who taught me at Chanel High School in Bedford, Ohio, belonged to a religious order called the Society of Mary. Just to make things more confusing, there were two Societies of Mary (both denoted with an S.M. after the priest’s name), the Marianists and the Marists. Our order were the Marists.

In addition to all the attributes of Mary, and the special devotions to her held by the Legion of Mary, to which I did not belong, there were a whole host of saints. Our school was named after St. Peter Chanel, a French Marist missionary who was martyred for his faith in Polynesia (on the island of Futuna) and eaten by cannibals—the only saint known to have suffered such a fate.

New saints are being created all the time. Just this year, Benedict XVI elevated Kateri Tekakwitha, an Indian maiden, to sainthood. Here she is:

St. Kateri Tekakwitha

St. Kateri Tekakwitha

Just so she doesn’t feel jealous, some new attributes for the Blessed Virgin Mary are even now being dreamed up by the Sacred Consistory of Adventitious Marian Attributes (SCOAMA) in the Vatican, including the ability to solve Rubik’s Cube puzzles in less than two minutes, miraculously finding parking places directly in front of whatever her destination may be, and being able to keep her girlish figure for over two millennia.

That reminds me of my friend Alain Silver, who was once offered a relic in Europe, nothing other than a piece of wood from the Blessed Virgin’s boat. Now I do not recall any tales from the Bible about Mary’s boating proclivities, but it could be true! 

Catholicism sometimes seems as cluttered as the Hindu or Graeco-Roman Pantheon, but I do not object to it. There are many aspects of Catholicism about which I feel nostalgic, though the statutory rape of altar boys and attempts to dictate what is and what is not sinful regarding human sexuality are not among them. But when I get troubled and confused, I simply return to my special devotion to the Sacred Multiplicity of the BVM.

Making Assumptions

Lemony Snicket

Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make — bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake — if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble. Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble. For instance, one morning you might wake up and make the assumption that your bed was in the same place that it always was, even though you would have no real evidence that this was so. But when you got out of your bed, you might discover that it had floated out to sea, and now you would be in terrible trouble all because of the incorrect assumption that you’d made. You can see that it is better not to make too many assumptions, particularly in the morning.—Lemony Snicket, The Austere Academy

Give a Man a Rope …

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Will Roberts: Political Comedy and Rope Tricks

It was almost as if Will Rogers were still alive. In a way, he was—because over a hundred people were there to celebrate his 133rd birthday. The sponsoring Will Rogers Ranch Foundation brought in a man, who, like Rogers, could do rope tricks and sophisticated (yet gentle) political comedy at the same time. He goes by the name Will Roberts.

Formerly with Cirque de Soleil in Las Vegas, where he did a stint in a show called Viva Elvis, which closed on August 31 of this year. In the show, he did rope tricks while perched on a Cadillac.

Today, he reminded Martine and me how much we wished that Will Rogers were still alive today. His gentle humor made Republicans and Democrats laugh together, rather than at one another’s pain and outrage. Although, in the early 1930s, he was one of the richest men in America, he was also one of the busiest and one of the best. He gave freely of his time and money to help people who were suffering, such as when an earthquake struck Managua, Nicaragua, in 1931. Will showed up and proceeded to help out the victims with money and other aid paid for from his own pocket.

We sat through two shows that Will Roberts gave and enjoyed his rope tricks and humor, which are by no means easy to combine. Yet everyone in the audience has received hundreds of robocalls during this political campaign and was in the mood to put the whole election behind them with a good laugh, whether they were for Obama, Romney, Ron Paul, or Donald Trump.

Just as the original Will was a syndicated columnist (see his Daily Telegrams), Will Roberts has just come out with a book entitled A Crackpot’s Potshot at American Politics (Mustang, Oklahoma: Tate Publishing, 1912) which is pretty much in the same vein. Witness this selection about George W. Bush’s Mideast war budget:

Today President Bush is supposed to give his shopping list for the war. If all goes the way the Democrats want, our President will join the more than 100 million a year that bounce checks.

Republicans have been winning the coin toss for a few years now. Some Democrats think it might be due to the fact that it is a double-headed quarter. Now the Democrats have a home field advantage and are hoping for a strong first quarter. Go team!!!

Some folks are most likely thinking, “Will must be a Democrat.” But folks, I am like all the others in the middle, and I am just for the right answer or left answer … OK, the correct answer.

Even Rush Limbaugh or Roger Ailes couldn’t cavil at that. Well, maybe they could.

If you want to read more about Will Roberts, I suggest you check out two websites: Will Roberts, Speaker, Humorist, and Trick Roper as well as Will Roberts Modern Day Will Rogers. The latter contains some of his political humor in blog format. If you have an Amazon Kindle, you could also buy A Crackpot’s Potshot at American Politics for only 99 cents.

It is so rare to find political humor any more that doesn’t leave a bad taste in one’s mouth….