George Santos (R,NY)

Thanks to George Santos fictionalizing his past and winning a New York congressional seat, I have decided to go into politics. If George can do it, so can I. Naturally, I will run as a Republican, because that party seems more friendly to liars and fabricators.

I feel I am uniquely qualified to represent California’s 33rd Congressional District. Although I see myself as a Never Trumper, I admire theex-President’s record of mendacity and fraud, which I will attempt to emulate in my own unique way.

What are my qualifications?

1. I am an ex-Navy Seal who was directly involved in the assassination of Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
2. After graduating Summa Cum Laude from Dartmouth College, I attended Oxford as a Rhodes Scholar in Law.
3. In my sophomore year, I won the Heisman Trophy as a soccer-style kicker for the Big Green’s football team.
4. I am married to the lovely Taylor Swift, with whom I have three sons (Huey, Dewey, and Louie) and one daughter (Hermenegild).
5. I speak twelve languages fluently, including: English, French, German, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Armenian, Syriac, Latin, Sanskrit, Iñupiat, and Choctaw.
6. My personal fortune is worth $100 billion, mostly as a result of my investments in cryptocurrencies and block-chain technology.
7. I invented the Internet.
8. A talented jazz musician, I play the saxophone, French horn, bassoon, and harmonica.
9. Currently, I am ranked third in the world in chess based on my Elo Rating.
10. I have published numerous books on constitutional law in the United States, Moldova, and the Seychelles Islands.

As you can see, I am a shoo-in for any political position that requires skill, judgment, and giant whoppers.