Black Friday, Cyber Monday, GACK!!

That’s Right: Shop Till You Drop

That’s Right: Shop Till You Drop!

It’s your duty as an American to shop until the moths in your wallet starve. Show up at your local mall on Black Friday, exercise those debit and credit cards, and help contribute to the financial well-being of Belorussian and Transdniestrian teenage hackers. And if you were remiss about that—you bad peoples you!—there’s always today: Cyber Monday! Go to Amazon, eBay, the websites of department and electronics stores, and spend yourself into a dither, or oblivion, whichever comes faster.

Since it is HallowThanksMas season, it is incumbent upon you to indulge in the Great Holiday Potlatch activity of buying stuff people don’t need or want, and then either discarding or returning it, preferably in the same container in which it was originally wrapped. (Children, of course, always know what they want—until about fifteen minutes after they get it.) Remember to buy extra batteries of all sizes, even if you don’t need them for anything other than to recharge your sagging spirits.

You are drawn in by the thought of a 10% or 20% discount off some mythical retail price, which is as you know is whatever the retailer wants to set it at. Note that if you don’t buy that widget, you are saving a good deal more than 10% or 20%, but you are officially in violation of the Patriot Act; and I will be forced to turn you in. And then you’re off to a fun-filled beach holiday at Guantanamo.

If your credit card overheats, let it rest for a few hours in the freezer before returning to the fray. You might want to join it!