If Only This Were True!



ST. PETERSBURG (The Borowitz Report)—Hopes for a positive G20 summit crumbled today as President Obama blurted to Russia’s Vladimir Putin at a joint press appearance, “Everyone here thinks you’re a jackass.”

The press corps appeared stunned by the uncharacteristic outburst from Mr. Obama, who then unleashed a ten-minute tirade at the stone-faced Russian President.

“Look, I’m not just talking about Snowden and Syria,” Mr. Obama said. “What about Pussy Riot? What about your anti-gay laws? Total jackass moves, my friend.”

As Mr. Putin narrowed his eyes in frosty silence, Mr. Obama seemed to warm to his topic.

“If you think I’m the only one who feels this way, you’re kidding yourself,” Mr. Obama said, jabbing his finger in the direction of the Russian President’s face. “Ask Angela Merkel. Ask David Cameron. Ask the Turkish guy. Every last one of them thinks you’re a dick.”

Shortly after Mr. Obama’s volcanic performance, Mr. Putin released a terse official statement, reading, “I should be afraid of this skinny man? I wrestle bears.”

After one day of meetings, the G20 nations voted unanimously on a resolution that said maybe everyone should just go home.—The Borowitz Report

The Perpetual Outrage Machine

“We Should All Get Along, But Progressives Should Be Hunted Down Like Nazis”

Glenn Beck: “We Should All Get Along, But Progressives Should Be Hunted Down Like Nazis”

The level of political discourse in this country has descended to the level of low buffoonery. Instead of rational political thinking, we have people saying things that are so patently offensive that it is amazing that there is an audience for them. Yet there does, in fact, exist a minority of Americans who live and breathe for just this sort of thing. And there are a large number of people both in politics and the media who have no qualms about supplying it.

It seems that Americans are so thin-skinned that anything will set them off. I used to be one of them. I used to read Salon.Com and RawStory.Com religiously, glowering at stories of the things that American wing-nuts would say to get a rise and develop an odd kind of infamous reputation that, somehow, was not considered repellent by certain people. Today, I discovered that there is a website called Liberal Outrage of the Day, so I guess it cuts both ways.

From Democratic Party money raisers, I am contacted seven or eight times a day with the latest Right-Wing outrage, accompanied by an appeal for money that would presumably be used to combat the named offenders. I have long since stopped reading these e-mails. Stories about what Michele Bachmann, Donald Trump, James De Mint, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and their like now are like [fetid, stagnant] water off a duck’s back. The people who so crudely attack my political values are doing it for fame, power, and money—not to change my mind. They don’t care what I think, just so long as they can appeal to the saps who send them checks in the mail.

I now consider myself a centrist, someone despised by “libtards” and Tea Partiers alike. American politics is now a vast, fetid morass that breeds nothing but disease. The trick is to avoid getting infected by it.